Oshiete Kudasai
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: A mirror reflection within. He's trying to figure out what love meant with Yuki...


Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine, but if I had, Ryuichi would be. J/k. Writing is a passion never quenched and so I must suppress this hunger by manipulating another's characters...  
  
Oshiete Kudasai. (Please Tell Me.)  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
When I fell in love with Yuki, I didn't know what that feeling really meant. I didn't know love meant more than a feeling. It was an experience all on its own...  
  
As I looked at him, I kept on smiling. No matter if I was sad, happy, or if I was late, early, any time of the day...it was this perpetual smile that was on my face.   
Love I had figured meant more than a smile. It was a grin that would last more than the time it should have...  
  
Whenever I saw him, no matter the small or long distance, I had to call his name, "Yuukiiii!"  
It was an acknowlegdment of my existence. It was to tell him not to pass me off as some other person that could possibly like him. It was to convince myself that I had more significance in his life than anyone else.  
I found that love was a voice you couldn't hear, but it called relentlessly and with no mercy on the receiver of this desparate call...even the response back was no less painful in its plea to touch the other side...  
  
With all the embraces I gave him, I enclosed in my heart as little treasures. Yes, this seemed childish and petty, but I wanted everything. I wanted to remember everything and anything that had to deal with him.   
It was like having that precious bunny that Sakuma-san had all the time. No matter how much Seguchi-san wanted him to take it away from him when they were young, I had found out, Sakuma-san held onto that thing for dear life.  
Love was like that. You wanted to hold this lapse of time with much emotion forgetting that you couldn't keep it forever...  
  
Giving me that harsh tone of resentment for anything I did wrong, or what seemed wrong to him, I felt guilty. Or at least, because my feelings were so strong towards him, I began to become somewhat conscientious of what I did.  
Being young, I didn't think anything of it at all.  
And no matter how much people tell you love is blind, they're lying to you. It isn't.  
You make yourself blind...  
  
I wish I had known then, what I do now...  
  
Giving me harsh look, with a mumble from his lips, he had betrayed me in one long moment that seemed like an eternity. With a look of shock for this shattered innocence inside myself and image of what love was 'supposed' to be as to what it really was, I regarded him with more disdain than anything.  
But even more so, shock. How he could ever do this to me....I will never understand such cruelty.   
Until now, I cry about it. And until now, it weighs heavily on my heart...  
...scarred deep inside my heart.  
  
It will never let go.  
  
No, it has now become a part of me.  
  
  
In darkness like this, I still see myself clearly on that night. Pulling that trigger, I had killed my lover that horrific evening. Crying in Touma-san's arms, I relentlessly sobbed with tears falling without any means of stopping anytime soon.  
  
As I looked down at sleeping Shuichi in my lap, I tried to hold back the tears and act more mean towards him.  
  
Maybe I'll save you without killing you, Shuichi.  
By making you go away from me...  
But maybe I'm doing the same thing if I do it this way too. In this case, cruelty is kind, Shuichi...it really is...  
  
Tell me why.  
  
Watching you watch me, I see myself...  
...still young and in love with Kitagawa Yuki...  
  
...a man whose name I kept as my own...  
  
I don't want to repeat history.  
  
  
Tell me why love bleeds no matter how careful you are.  
  
  
Get away Shuichi...  
Go away and fall in love with someone else...  
  
  
Tell me why I love even when I know it will hurt in the end.  
  
  
Holding his warm sleeping body even closer to my own, I whispered in the darkness. "I keep on telling you, but why can't I let go of you?"  
  
  
Oshiete kudasai.  
  
---  
Author's note: I know, I was evil. Thought it was Shuichi for a while, ne?  
Obviously, this was during the time before Yuki told his secret, but told Shuichi to leave him. 


End file.
